The River to Heaven

Before bed my daughter showed us a YouTube testimony of the man who spoke at the event she was at last night. He shared of his near death/actual death experience in which he was in a "river" on the way to hell. When he came back to life he was a changed man and has been prechin' about it ever since.
With that in my mind, and with various other people from my morning at church swirling around in my head, this is the dream I had:

I was in a kitchen with several people from church, and my mom. Jada (a little girl at my church)was running around the kitchen island and I was brushing the crumbs from the party onto the floor so that I could sweep them up. After I swept the kitchen (around people's feet) I took Jada and her brothers down stairs where the laundry room was. Through a window we could see a huge tidal wave coming. I told the kids that we should get back up stairs to their mommy quick! We all ran up the stairs and just as we were coming through the door at the top of the stairs, the wave hit. Instantly we were all gone, no pain, no turmoil of the wave, nothing, just all of a sudden floating down this vast river. There was water as far as I could see on either side of me. I couldn't see anyone else and I wondered if I was dead, or just in the sea after the wave. Then a light came over the horizon in front of me and flooded my vision with it's reflection on the water's surface. I was overcome with the biggest smile of my life. Then I saw a rope stretched across the expanse of the sea with square flags every few feet that had pictures of Disney princesses on them. I saw Belle on a flag that also had my name written on it. It said "Ms. Mikie Spencer" right above the bust of Belle in her yellow ball gown. (Belle is "my" princess. She is the one I look most like, and was a nickname that my ex had for me.) I passed directly under the flag of Belle and on down the river/sea. Then there was another rope with the same flags across it... and in the distance, another, and another. I had no control over the pattern that I was floating in and I was going faster and faster down the river, but I always passed directly under the Belle flag with my name on it. I got all giddy thinking about how perfect the aim of my floating was. I knew that God was guiding me. I also knew that this was the river to Heaven and that each princess picture represented another person. I could never see the end of the water to either side, and the flags were every couple of feet all the way across the water.
I woke up briefly and rolled over.
When I fell back asleep my dream had changed and I was going around asking people I knew who their favorite princess was. I was looking back in my memory to remember if I saw that princess on the rope or not.

I know there are not as many Disney princesses as there are girls going to Heaven, (in my second dream two people answered "Hermione" when I asked them who their princess was,) but this is dream language, not reality. It's obvious to me that my mind needed to think of princesses and that's all it had to pull from. They needed to be personal, and I can't think of one woman I know who doesn't have a "personal" princess. I know my daughter's princess is Sleeping Beauty. I have two friends who claim Snow White. Who do you claim?

The dream was very satisfying. The happiness (both with my smile and my giddiness) was overwhelming, but peaceful at the same time. I love dreams like that!

"Too Much Blood Under The Water"

I have one painting done for my show in August, and many more to go.
I had a dream last night that is begging to be painted... and so it shall be.

I had a great time at church this morning. One of my favorite speakers came and he always lights a fire under my butt. He asked us to close our eyes and think of the biggest thing God could accomplish in you this year...a miracle... a goal. I had a big thought, it did not involve art, but just a message that I want to get out there. Instantly after the prayer was over my dream from last night flooded in my mind with a piece of the puzzle of the message I long to deliver. I had not even thought of using the dream painting show as a way to get the message out there... but sure enough, my dream last night, though very personal, fit right into the message.
The dream involved me and my BF from college, Ramin. He is Iranian, a Muslim by birth. I have tried calling him, writing him, etc. for two years now with no response. In my dream on a bridge, I asked him why he wouldn't hang out with me anymore, and he said, "there's too much blood under the water". I hugged him tightly and told him I loved him anyway.
There was more to the dream... like my mom walking near Ramin, but also unable to speak to him before I went to talk with him. Me sitting with my friends Vanessa and Michelle at a restaurant while my mom told me to go talk to Ramin. And before all of that me on a tram with my friend Rachel. But the only words I remember and the most profound part of the dream was on the bridge, so that is what I'll paint.

My painting will be Ramin and I on a bridge, fantasy style with a layer of water, and then blood under the water... with symbolism of Iran/Islam, and Israel/Judaism + Christianity in the blood. It'll be powerful I think. It's far bigger than Ramin not talking to me. It's the entire Middle-east conflict pictured in our interaction.
Makes me teary.

Facing a Storm, Dad's Sand Mound, and Complicated Water Works.

Three dreams in fairly rapid succession last night... and you know what that means. (Three dreams in a row... IF they go together, are dreams with an unchangeable message.)

My first dream was on a boat. I was with my family. The boat had an inside and an outside. I was down inside the boat and asked my son if he wanted to go up to the deck. I knew when I asked (and so did he) that we would not be able to go back inside if we chose to stay outside. On the deck my parents were dealing with boat type stuff and very quickly a storm rose up. The storm was massive. We all had on rain ponchos and were basically holding on for dear life. One wave came up and over the side of the boat, washing the floor of the deck. Then another much larger wave started to form on the opposite side of the boat (the side to my left, which was actually starboard, because I was facing back). The wave looked like it was three stories high and paused for a moment before it crashed over us. I was so frightened of it, but my mom wasn't. Then as it hit it fell with the force of tap water. We were fine. I looked at my mom and she gave me a very knowing look. That was the end of dream #1.

Dream #2 was on the shore. My parents and my kids and I were laying on a beach. It was like we had been washed ashore, but it was pleasant. All I could see of the scene was our legs and sometimes arms and the sand they were on with the bubbles from the tide that was rolling in and out. It was very peaceful. We talked awhile and then sat up. My view was not of the ocean. The camera of my dream was as if I was in the water and focused in on my dad's legs and arms as he built up a mound of sand to "protect" his spot from water coming in. The mound he had made was only about 16" wide and high, and the water just went around it, making it completely obsolete.

Now the tricky part is that I don't remember if the conversation that I remember goes to dream #2 or dream #3. It seems to fit better in #3, but I almost want to put it in with #2. So I'll stick it in the middle:
The conversation was about my dad having a job overseas. I think the area they were talking about was in Northern Europe. But the words that were being said sounded like they didn't want him there, so they probably wouldn't move after all.

In dream #3 we were visiting the Gores. It was my family and my parents and we were walking down a street in Northern Europe. The Gores lived there and I guess it was where my dad's possible job was... but as we know from the conversation mentioned above... he wasn't going to take the position. Jennifer Gore (My mom's BF) was still alive and walking with us. Monnie Gore and my dad were talking and the kids (all the correct age for 2011) were walking along too. The shops had things like wooden dolls and coo-coo-clocks. The streets were cobblestone and there was a quaint little bridge that reminded me of my favorite visit to Germany. We went to the Gores' house which was not like any I have dreamt of before, other than it being on a hill. It was on a crowded street where the houses share an outside wall. Inside people were talking about getting hungry and where we would go to eat. I guess my son must have had some say, because Taco Bell was the decision. Everyone got up to go walk to the Taco Bell, which I guess was down the street a couple blocks. I had to go to the bathroom and wash my hands. I went in the bathroom but left the door open (or maybe there was no door). It was small and in the front of the master bedroom. Standing at the sink which was wedged in a corner, I could see into the living room and down to the kitchen. (There was brownish/bronze old shag carpet in the living room.) The sink was ill fitted into the space on the small Formica counter top. I couldn't get the water to come on. The nob that seemed to be the way to turn it on just leaked a little at the base when I messed with it. I tried one more thing, then looked out to the living room for help. Everyone else had left except my mom and Jennifer who were waiting on me. Jennifer came over to help. She grabbed two different chords; one looked like an old kitchen sink pull-out nozzle, (You know the ones from the 70's with the black head and little squeeze trigger, and a silver ring right next to the head, and near the hose, which was also silvery.) and the other chord was more like a tasseled rope that you'd pull for service at an old timely hotel. The tasseled one came from under the sink and the first was just where you'd expect it to be... but the water came out of a whole other faucet that looked normal for a bathroom.
That was the end the 3rd dream.

So the question is... is there a theme? Do they fit together? or not? and either way, what are they saying?

The first dream reminded me a lot of one I had not long ago where the line of church people were going to "camp" with all their stuff, and I asked my son if he wanted to go home instead, and he said "Yes", knowing, that that was a final decision. In this dream the "final decision" was to be protected under the deck, or out in the storm. We chose the storm. And fortunately it turned out that the storm didn't hurt us. I really liked that dream. I love getting a message that whatever is coming, isn't going to hurt me. It's the same message I got a while back in my dream about the Bay area cracking off into the ocean, but that we would be fine.

The second dream was interesting to me because of its perspective. I never saw faces, not even chests. I was looking at my dad from a place on the beach that I was not sitting. It was a third person... very zoomed lens kind of dream. (Most of the time when I have third person dreams I can see the whole scene, so this was odd. It was also odd to have my dad build something so pitiful and think it may work.

The third dream, which was the "fullest" of the three (though not as meaningful as the first to me), was one of just a few over my life where I have dreamt of a deceased person being alive in the present. Jennifer died a few years ago.
I'm not sure if my dad's job predicament had any meaning in the dream. My parents have always talked about going back over seas if Dad could get a pastoral position in a church in Italy. I'm not sure how often he looks into that possibility, but I know he has a few times.
The Gores lived near us when we lived in Italy, so them being in that part of the world makes sense (even though they live in Colorado now).
The state of the house... having shared walls, having an old shag carpet, and the sink with the retro nozzle and Formica counter top, were all things that didn't speak well of the situation of the house. My mom has mentioned on occasion how much Jennifer held that family together, and now that she is gone it's just not the same. I see that played out with her being the one to help me, and even how she had to pull on two things to make the water work correctly.

Anyway, I'll have to think further about any theme. Right now, I kind of see them as separate. Though the first and second could be related, and the second and third (with regards to my father's job and sand mound) could be related.

Swimming with Little Audrey

Last night's dream came out of left field.
In a couple of weeks we are going to Hawaii. My parents are going to meet my family there, and they are bringing with them their "god-daughter", Audrey Gore. My mom and Audrey's mom were best friends. Audrey's mom died a few years ago and her dad remarried without complete approval of the kids. Things have been awkward ever since.
Anyway, Audrey is now graduating from college, and for her present my parents offered to bring her to Hawaii with us. So I will be seeing her soon. (Last time I saw her was at Thanksgiving, which was the first time in years.) However, I have not been actively thinking of Audrey at all, and that is why the dream caught me off guard.
I have never dreamt specifically about Audrey. I have dreamt about her "family", especially back when her mother was alive. I've dreamt of their house often in the past too, but never Audrey specifically. I know this dream was to prepare me for Hawaii in some way, now I just have to figure it out. I thought the back-story would best be told before we got into the dream, so there you have it.

In the dream I was in a very large and deep pool holding baby (1 1/2- 2 yrs old) Audrey near the edge. She had her arms around my neck and I was holding the edge with one hand and cradling her with the other. My parents were swimming with us. The pool was fairly crowded, but not overly so. It was Olympic sized, and didn't have a shallow end. Concrete was all around. Because of the depth and the crowd I talked to my parents about taking Audrey someplace else. I got out and we walked outside to a place I had been before. It was a hot tub that's been in my dreams before... not too long ago. I got in with Audrey. There were college age(the age that Audrey is in real life) boys in the hot tub. While we were in the hot tub (which had two levels; we were in the lower one), I noticed the scenery. It was very different from what had been around the hot tub in my previous dream. It was like a swamp/lake. I've dreamt of that place before too. (In the previous dream I think there were alligators and I was swimming for my life.) Anyway, as I looked back the hot tub even had moss and algae growing on the edges. It all looked very old and run down. At this point I thought that the area was an old camp ground I had visited in my youth and that things had just gotten over grown. I picked up Audrey and we made our way up and out of the hot tub. (As we did, I worried about the boys noticing that I hadn't shaved. haha.) One mentioned to another that I was old when I was going up the steps. I turned and said, "I'm only 35!"
I looked down at the swamp/lake below (the hot tub was up on a cliff... but only like 20 feet high). There was an old mock pirate ship that I remembered from my "camp days". It was all covered with algae and moss and yuck, but there were still boys playing on it, so we went down to it. (I don't know how... that part kind of skipped.) We walked around on the ship briefly then decided to go back up. The side of the cliff had tree roots gnarling in and out of it and some trunks that started at the base were half buried in the side too. Audrey held on around my neck as I pulled myself up the side of the cliff on a rope/vine that was used for this purpose. Half way up, I noted that I had not taken the easy way, and that only 10 feet to my right there was a much better way. We would go down and try that way instead. Then I woke up.

When Audrey was little we all lived in Italy. Every now and again we would go to indoor water parks (usually in Austria). I can remember at least once going to one with Audrey and her family. It was the one time I attempted a flip off a high dive. I knocked the wind out of myself and couldn't breath even when I reached the surface of the water. It was so scary. The indoor section of the dream reminded me of that pool though... no shallow end, big, somewhat crowded with strangers, and scary.
Swimming in dreams is typically a refreshing or cleansing thing. However, noting the swampiness of our setting outside, I'm not sure this "cleansing" went as planned.
The fact that Audrey was represented as a baby just breaks my heart. She is the youngest of her siblings, and has no doubt had the hardest time of any of them with her mother's death and father's remarriage. She is worried about what the rest of her life is going to look like with college over and not feeling welcome to stay at her old house. It's a very deep pool indeed to be in.
The outdoor part of the dream seems like a lot of "trying" on my part, without any real success. A hot tub full of boys her age could be an attempt to lose her sorrow by being preoccupied with boys, but being a baby shows maybe she's not quite ready for that. (Maybe)
Then I take her down to a childhood play structure (the pirate ship) but it's all gross too. There's corrosion on both the hot tub and the pirate ship. So keeping her in a "child" state is not the answer either.
Then there's the mystery of going up out of that situation the hard way... realizing there is an easier way, but waking up before I took the easy way... all the while, Audrey still as a baby around my neck.

Well... I pray that our time in Hawaii would be healing, growing, and refreshing. I hope is some way, I'm able to help, and not make things worse. Dreams are typically warnings when they show bad things, so I consider myself warned to not make "cleansing plans" for Audrey. I'll just follow God's lead, not my own ideas.

Don't let the 11 year old Drive.

In last night's dream I was driving a white car... maybe the one I had 12 years ago and I pulled up to a loading zone that reminded me of a car port at a Vegas hotel; tons of cars and taxis. I could see my mom and my sister inside checking out and grabbing baggage. We motioned for them to come over. (I was with my family.)
They got in and as we pulled away we were in a large bus. It was now only my mom and I, and my son, and the driver.
Somehow my son took over driving (He's only 11)and he was doing very well. My mom and I were moving all around the bus not concerned with safety at all. We were not paying attention to what my son was doing, just talking and having a good time.
Then it occurred to me to go check on him and I walked up to the front and just watched his driving for a moment. I saw a bicyclist in front of him and then watched in horror as he drove right over him. Again I saw more people on bikes and some pedestrians just walking down the middle of the street oblivious to the large bus behind them, and he ran over them as well. It wasn't bloody or gory or anything, It was more like a video game where each person you run over just disappears under you without so much as a hick-up. I yelled for my son to watch out and not to hit people, but he didn't seem to care about anything I was saying. Then he totally went off the road and started going over trees and other obstacles as if they were nothing. It was just like his video game that when you run into a bush it's like it's not there, and then reappears after you're over it.
I woke up (this was about 5:00) in disbelief; wondering if there was any meaning to the dream, or if I had just seen too many video games lately. If there is a meaning, it's probably, "don't let an 11 year old run the show... his brain is too full of video games."

Laundry and Teeth

Last night's dream stared me and my mom.
I was doing laundry... putting clothes in a very deep washing machine. Then I went to my mom's room and was looking for clothes to pack to go to summer camp. She opened a lower drawer for me and I started digging through it. I pulled out one shirt that I thought was something I wanted, then as I unfolded it, it became my son's Perry the Platypus T-shirt. Again I reached in the drawer and pulled out an article of clothing that ended up being my son's underwear. I pulled out one more thing of my son's and complained to my mom that these things aren't mine, they are his.

That was the extent of the dream.
As for interpretation... With me clothing dreams have to do with my weight and what track I'm on concerning my body. This specific dream equates me with my son. I started a diet this week... the same diet that I did this summer while my son was at a weight loss summer camp. I am mentally preparing myself for the journey ahead. It was so much easier when no kids were home this summer, but I won't have that this summer, so I'm going ahead and doing it now. The deep washing machine tells me that there is a lot of "cleansing" to do, and the lower drawer tells me that I'm at the bottom of this thing.

Saturday night I had another interesting dream. The night itself was interesting because I was dog sitting three dogs that were not mine. Two of them are chiweenie puppies, the same age as my Lhasa apso puppy. Very "needy" pups. Because I am such a push over I slept with all three of the other dogs and my own puppy. First on the couch, then up in the guest room. Every time I would move they would all wake up and re-arrange themselves. It was a long night to say the least!
Anyway I think the dream spoke of my situation as well as me being a push-over in general, and my indecision... or more pointedly, my inability to stick to decisions... to stand up to others, or even dogs for that matter.

The dream started with my sister and I walking to a camp site. (My sister, though I have no right to blame her any further, is the root of where I got my "door mat" status. She's a year older than me and was my boss and my mouth piece all through childhood.) We got to the area that we thought should be camp and there was a parking garage. We went up some cement stairs that were enclosed just like in a normal parking garage. As we looked we started to hear voices. It was my dad along with the rest of the youth group for camp. (My dad was a youth pastor for much of my childhood.) We scurried back down the stairs to meet them. There was a discussion that I didn't hear and my sister came to me and said, "they don't have room for everyone in the nice cabins. You and I should take one of the bad ones."
Well, I didn't want to take a bad one, but I didn't say anything. Then June (a lady from my church who is famous for her hugs) came up to me and hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You don't deserve a bad room, you should have a nice one."
I looked at my dad who was talking to the group and noticed that his teeth were brown and that they were fanned out on the top row like the old cartoon drawings of hillbillies. I saw that he had a cup of coffee in his hand. "You should rinse your mouth ofter you drink coffee Dad," I said. (Our dentist just told my daughter the same thing about soda last week... that's where that's from.) Then out of nowhere my grandmother (Dad's mom) appears and walks up to my dad and pulls out one of his teeth. The tooth she pulled came from the canine area, but it looked like a molar. My dad protested and then he pulled out his entire top row of teeth all at once on a metal grid. The teeth were large and each wrapped with metal that strung them all together. He was pointing out the spot that the one she had pulled came from, and arguing with her. Then I woke up.

As I said, I think that night, feeling very "trampled on", both figuratively, and literally, this dream speaks to being pushed around and being indecisive. My dad is the same way. Also, loosing teeth in dreams usually has to do with not being about to deal with things. (lost Incisors = indecision, lost molars = inability to "chew on things") That's John Paul Jackson's theory, not mine... But it seems to hold true in my dreams. Perhaps the image of my dad with terrible teeth is a symbolic warning of sorts to what lies ahead of me if I don't get this thing under control.

The past three nights

I have been able to sleep in the past three days which really makes a difference for how well I remember my dreams! With no alarm clock you are able to naturally wake up, and then sift through your thoughts without the pressure of time.

I'll start with last night:
I had a freeway dream... Pointing out that almost ALL of my freeway dreams are futuristic. Freeways with layers and various directions all intertwined. Well last night's I was NOT the driver, unless you count back seat driving. I was riding in a car with family (though I can't remember who was driving or which part of my family was with me. I think my mom was there.). Anyway, we were going somewhere but were unsure of which exit to take. The roads were so confusing cause there weren't signs that said things like "Sacramento next exit", you just had to look at which way the roads went and know which way you wanted to go. The ramps were like pretzels though, so you could tell which one led North or South or whatever. We wanted to go to the right but we missed the turn and didn't realize it until it was too late and we were headed for a long bridge. (It reminded me of driving into Long Beach from San Pedro.) We couldn't turn around and there were no exits until after the bridge which seemed to just get longer and longer as we drove. It started to look like a post apocalyptic scene from "The Book of Eli".
I woke up out of frustration that I couldn't turn around.

The night before I had a dream about my friend Barbara and her two daughters. My family lived across the hall from her in an apartment building with thin walls. We could hear everything that they said. I found out that they were baking a chocolate cake and I went over to taste it. As I ran out into the entry/stairwell area I noticed that there were no rails around the stairs and that I could fall to my death. We were at least 5 stories up and it looked very scary spiraling down. Her daughter Brooklyn ran up the stairs yelling. I stopped running and eased my way to her door. I went in, got some chocolate cake and went back to my apartment to taste the strawberry cake that my husband had made. (Yeah right :-) .) I tasted them both side by side and then went back into the entryway and looked at the stairwell again. It now had rails up and I wondered if it had ever been unsafe, or if I had imagined it.

The night before that I had a dream about my grandparent's house. (Not the one they live in now... but the one they lived in during my childhood.) I always wanted to live in their house when I grew up. I thought it was a mansion when I was little. We lived in a trailer, and then in other small houses most of my childhood, so their three story house was huge to me.
Anyway, in the dream I was selling the house to a family with a little girl. It was like an open house viewing and then I invited them to stay (like on "Funny Farm"). I was cooking in a large kitchen (bigger than their actual kitchen) making them some dinner. The dad went to check on his daughter. I heard all of their names spoken. The dad was Eugene, the daughter was Emma-gene, and the mom had a "gene" name too. The daughter was only 3 or so and had gone upstairs. I went up too, and noticed that the stairs were not safe. They had gaps large enough for Emma-gene to fall through. (The stairs were very grand like on "Gone With the Wind"). I looked through a few rooms upstairs appreciating how royal looking and warm they were. I had in my mind that I would not sell the house. I came back down stairs sliding down the banister with Emma-gene in my arms and gave her to her parents.


I didn't mean to wait three days before posting... but often when you do wait (or if you'll go back to look at the weeks dreams before you analyze them) you'll find a common thread.
I could talk about these three as individuals, but for now I'm going to lump them together and see the common thread.
They are all about safety... and choosing one of two options.
All three deal with uncertainty, and not feeling safe.
Last night's dream, I knew where I wanted to go, but I let someone else choose the wrong way(they were driving),and I complained from the back seat. And the further we went down the "wrong" path, the more desolate and hopeless it became.
The middle dream (inspired no-doubt because Barb and her girls have been coming over making Christmas goodies with me three times in the past week,) dealt with the danger of the stairs and the choice of which cake was better.
Before that... I dealt again with dangerous stairs and the choice of whether or not to sell my grandparent's house.
Because the names were mentioned and because they all had the root of "gene" I thought I'd look that up. The name Eugene and just Gene mean "well-born, noble" Emma means "whole, complete, universal".
It's interesting because my grandparent's house means a lot to me. When I dream of them it is always in a mansion (way bigger than their real home) and it always has to do with their legacy of faith to me. I attribute my Christian heritage to them and their raising my dad to be who he is. (Both my grandpa and my dad are preachers.) I can't even imagine thinking of selling my faith... and what does it mean that I thought of selling it to people who were noble? Was I selling it for nobility? Well either way I'm glad I decided not to in the end... but why bring up that the stairs were dangerous for the little girl? hmmmm. Just an excuse?
Does that run into the other dream of making excuses for why not to go out to the entry way... "it's too dangerous". I have often debated if the friendship I have there is "good for me" or not. Knowing a lot about people (hence the thin walls that we could hear through) especially when you think what they are doing is dangerous... can be uneasy.
Then we have other people driving my life. It happens quite often with me.
I REALLY need to learn this lesson.

To me/from me:
"Drive your own life... You don't need excuses to make decisions that are about you to begin with. Safe is just a frame of mind... You're only scared because you're scared of what others will think/say/or be hurt by. Man up!"

Killing Mice, and Changing Clothes

Disturbing dream last night...
I'm not sure if you know the story of the one day in my life when I had to kill a living creature (larger than a bug)... It was a rabbit that my dog and another dog chased down and attacked. Both dogs merely wanting to 'play' with the rabbit; they didn't kill it in their attack; they merely passed it back and forth between each other while it screamed in agony over it's internal injuries. The screaming was unbearable, so I stepped in and grabbed the rabbit (I had gloves on because it was winter), and I strangled it. It was horrible. I hope to NEVER have to kill anything ever again.

Well... last night's dream made me re-live this terrible experience, only this time it was a mouse the size of a cat.

In the dream I was in a complex house with many rooms and a strange lay out. There was a mouse problem in the house. I was with someone who reminded me of one of my parent's friends when I was 8 or so, named Sam. The man in my dream also reminded me of a college teacher I had named Eddie. (It's interesting now that I'm awake to think that, "yes, they are very similar". I would've never thought of those two in the same sentence.) Anyway we found three mice (all three HUGE like rats, but cute like mice) in one room hiding under a hole in the baseboard. I grabbed one, that seemed to grow in my hands to where I actually wondered if I was holding a mouse or a cat. I started to strangle it, then I snapped it's neck, then twisted it, and shook it violently. I could feel a thin cord in it's neck, that felt like a tendon with a pulse. I thought it was dead and we started walking toward the laundry room that led to the garage and the trashcan, but then a pulse came back and I took the mouse (now back to only 5 inches or so) and slammed it's legs on the corner of the wall (again, very violently).
All of the whacking on the wall woke me up. I woke up grimacing and quite disgusted with myself. The vibe in my room was a little eerie, so I said a short prayer and got up to pee. It was 3:10AM.

The dream I woke to at 6:10 was quite a bit nicer. :-)
I had returned from some event and was dressed in a fancy blouse that was very architectural (probably from watching Project Runway last night). I arrived at a dorm/apartment and saw a few old friends/acquaintances. (Robbie and John, aka "Pucket", both "Sk8er punks" back in the day if you want to give them a label.) They wanted to take me out to a bar for some drinks. I asked them if I was OK in what I was wearing, but they said I should change. I went in to change and my friend Ramin was there saying I looked fabulous. :-) My mom was there too and said I looked nice in the blouse. I had already taken off the blouse and was in a bikini top when I went to argue with the boys that the "manager" (speaking of my mom) said that I was fine in what I was wearing.
...and that was as far as I got before I woke up to the sound of my daughter getting ready for school.

My dogs are ready for their walk, and I have no real insight anyway, so I'm leaving today's post right there.

Illustration Assignment

In last night's dream I was back at my old job, assistant designer at St. John Knits. In the dream I had an illustrating assignment.
I had my rough sketches with me as I got in the car with my mom and my sister.
We went to a post office for my mom to mail something.
We were in a small hatch-back sports car.
We got out and noticed that the store would be closing soon.
I stood for a moment with the drawings on the top of the car while my mom and sister went in, then I joined them. Inside, a lady with green on tried to cut in front of us. (All of us were wondering who would be the last costumer seen, since they were closing.) I informed her that we were also in line. (Very out of character for me.)
As we were at the front of the line my old friend Tim came from the back room (as if his family owned the place). We hugged and exchanged "How nice it is to see you"s. Then he suggested we go outside to be able to talk better.
As we walked out he turned into my friend Ramin (they have a vaguely similar look and similar character). Ramin looked at my drawings, (he worked at St. John's back in the day too) and critiqued them. He told me to make them curvier. "Things have changed. Make 'em look more like we did in school."
I woke up as I was imagining a hippier illustrated body.

In real life, last night I worked on a fashion illustration of my friend Rebecca. It's the second friend I've done this past week, and I'm planning on doing a few more friends before the year is out. They are indeed curvier than the illustrations I drew in school or at work. But perhaps I need to adopt a curvier style into all of my fashion illustrations and get back into that a bit more in general. I love doing it. I always forget how much until I actually do one. (It's been around a year since I've done an illustration.)

PS... Found out today was Tim's birthday!

Backwards

Well, as much as the new puppy waking me up at 5:15 is annoying, I will say it definitely helps with remembering dreams.

In my first dream I was watching Greta (the mother of my daughter's ex-boyfriend) vacuum my house. The vacuum she was using was so full of static that it was causing sparks which started to ignite half way through vacuuming the bedroom. The carpet starting catching on fire in little spots here and there. She wasn't even flinching about it, so I grabbed a piece of cloth and started slapping the flames with it. The fire would go out in one spot, only to re-ignite in the area she had just vacuumed. I went behind her putting out each fire. (She also, was backing out of the bedroom... so we were both 'backing up'.) Then one fire starting traveling up her arm. I slapped it as well. She finally took notice and watched as I slapped her arm with the cloth. It wasn't working as well on her arm so I told her to go put her arm in some water.
That was the end of that dream.

The next dream was about a feast. I was inviting my daughter's ex and his whole family to a dinner at my house. (It was like the house we lived in when my son was a baby.) The meal would be held outside and had been cooked on a huge grill. I was grilling the meat and had told my friend Mitzie to work on the salad. The meat and the baked potatoes were ready and the guests were about to arrive. The whole house had cooking things all around as if I had been catering an event for a hundred people. I wasn't terribly worried about cleaning it up because we would be eating outside. I looked over and saw lettuce all over the place in the entry room. I told Mitzie that they would be here soon, and the salad came first... "why wasn't it ready?" She said she didn't realize that I had told her to make the salad. I was pretty pissed off at that, and had to rationalize with myself that we could eat backwards. We would have the meat first because it was hot and ready anyway... then the soup... then the salad.

In the last dream I was walking in a city. I think it was suppose to be New York. I was in a 'not very nice' section. I arrived at a tall townhouse that was mine. All the houses on the block were just like it. They were all gray cement, three stories high, close together, on a hill, with a yard in 'back' surrounded by a retaining wall. Before I noticed the back yard I thought that living in the city would mean that I didn't have a yard.
I was waiting for my mom to show up so I could show her my new home. She came and we walked around the outside. I realized that the yard in 'back', was really the front yard, but no one entered that way. Mine was the house on the far right of the block, so to get into my house, you just came in the side door straight from the side street. The yard was empty.

Interpretation...
In all three dreams things are "backwards"; that must mean something. That is the theme I see. Remember, three dreams in one night with a common theme is a serious message. It's important that I get this.
In the first dream, Greta was vacuuming backwards.
In the second dream, I had to serve dinner backwards.
In the third dream, the 'back yard' turned out to be the 'front yard'.

I'm going to start with something I've dreamed before: yards.
Back yards typically have meant things that are private to MY family that no one else sees. Front yards are public. Things about me or my family that everyone sees.
In dream number 3, the yard was empty; It was big and it had a retaining wall. At first I didn't even think I would have one. So is it empty cause I'm new there? Or is it empty because it's empty?

There should also be something significant about my daughter's ex's family. I haven't dreamed about them since they broke up early this year. Even then, I typically dreamed of the boyfriend, not his mom. I suppose it could be because yesterday we were talking about going to Costa Rice again, and that is where both of our families went on vacation together.
If I take their family as simply symbolic of Costa Rica, then does that mean that going could cause fires in the bedroom? Or that how I envision the trip is going to be turned around, "backwards" in some way? If that's the case, how does the NY town house play in to that?

Last night I put the possible vacation to Costa Rica as my facebook status. I woke up to seven comments on it. One of which was my husband saying, "Wow... how does a f-a-m-i-l-y discussion became a F-a-c-e-b-o-o-k status update, that quick? There has to be some sort of protocol to follow. ...you hear what I'm screaming? :)"
This could be how the "back yard" became the "front yard". (That could also account for the "fires" in the bedroom. I don't think he was very happy with me.)
Another one of the comments was my best friend saying, "Wait till next April and go to Costa Rica when Lance and I may be there." Perhaps this is the reversal of the trip. (of course, that's just wishful thinking on my part.)

If the Shoe Fits

I had to wake up to pee around 2:00 and luckily I did recall that I had a dream about buying shiny silver shoes with my husband. They looked like metal, but felt like leather. He pointed out some that had a long front and black heels. I told him those weren't "me", and proceeded to look through 4-5 other pair... all the same color story. I ended on a pair that had a small silver toe part with a little rectangle metal applique with a logo on it on the right side of the toe. They were very cute and modern.

I had another shopping dream with my mom... but I can't remember that one.

Three Sizes of Horses, and a Noah's Ark Cartoon

Well, I'm happy to say that last night's dream was much more pleasant than the night before.

The dream took place at our old house at VAFB (where I lived when I was 16-17), but the front yard was where the driveway was, like our house had been rotated to the right 90 degrees.
I was out "front" with my mom at a mirror that was in front of the bathroom window. We were doing our makeup outside. Nanny (Mom's mom) was there as well, inside cooking or something. I was putting on eyeliner when she came out to talk to us. Mom and her went back inside and I turned and faced the upright piano we owned (now at my sister's house), also in the front yard.
A huge tank (or ship) of some sort came gliding into our yard and stopped right at the piano, making a small dent in the left edge of the piano. I jolted around, very upset, to see what had hit the piano. When I recognized the man standing with the ship, I eased up and began to talk to him. He was an elderly man that I knew (in my dream) and I soon found out he was bringing things over for a Bible study for kids. Almost as soon as I realized what was going on I saw many more people, and the rest of what the man was bringing. The first thing was a giant horse. At first I thought it was an elephant, but looking up at the face I saw it was a horse. Someone was riding it too. Then I saw a normal sized horse and it had a rider as well. Then there was a very small miniature pony that I told a little girl (maybe 4 yrs. old) that she could ride it. My dad came out and he and the elderly man were putting a video of a cartoon Noah's Ark story on a screen. I was watching the video with all the kids scattered around the yard and with all these crazy props around the yard too.

That was it.

A logical thought is that because I'm helping out in Children's church today, I was simply dreaming about that. That really only covers the video part of the dream though.
I don't quite feel like thinking much about it at the present, so I'm going to go have my Fourth of July!
Happy Independence Day Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crayons in the Pool, and Food I Can't Have.

real quick...

I had a dream about my son coloring at the bottom of a pool and leaving the crayons down there. In the morning the pool was full of water and the crayons were still at the bottom of the pool.

Dream #2 had a HUGE spread of yummy food at a side bar... all dessertish... Baklava was among them... lots of it. I started to put some on my plate. My mom and family were there. Then I sat down and a friend's son, Justin Parrish, was sitting to my left. He opened a bag and out poured tons of sliced papaya. On the table there was pineapple and other tropical fruits. I looked at it all and said, "I can't have any of that."
That was the extent of the dream.

(this diet is driving me batty.)

Let the Inappropriateness Continue

Another weird one last night.

It began in a house most closely related to a house lived in in Florida when I was 7, but with elements of a house from NC when I was 5. I was there with my daughter and my son and we were getting ready to leave for somewhere. My daughter was ready and in the kitchen and my son was still putting on shoes and socks in his room. I was yelling at him to not lolly-gag. I was even getting violent. Not hitting him, just raving like a lunatic. He was a teenager in the dream (which is the first time I've ever dreamed of him older than he is). My daughter was still a teenager too though.
Out of the blue an old class mate named Terri Scott showed up at the back sliding glass door. I motioned for her to come around to the front. Then I noticed it was raining as she made her way around to a side door (also glass... and there were many windows along the side, so it was like I saw her the whole way as she walked). There were two dogs outside and both were wet and muddy from a puddle near the back door. I didn't want then to come in but I told Terri to come on in the side door. The dogs ran by her as she opened the door.
I walked through the back of the house again and my dad was sitting on the floor naked (a sight I've never actually seen). My daughter walked by and I got very upset with my dad for being exposed in front of her.
The scene changed a bit and we were in a house that I lived in when I was a pre-teen. It was just me and my dad and my mom in their room. My dad was still naked and the vibe was all wrong. Luckily I woke up then.

Thoughts on meaning...
well, my daughter and I had a conversation about penises the other day and how she had never seen one that didn't belong to a small child, or a statue. Also a day ago my nephew was wandering around the house naked and my dad made a comment about it. He quoted my daughter from when she was 2 and had walked in the bathroom where my dad was peeing. She said, "Why he's peeing through his dinger?" (meaning "finger").
That, I suppose, is why a naked father was in my mind.
As for Terri and the dogs, and the rain, and the glass... well, I don't know. I have been waiting for years for Terri to tell me something about her brother. He was a good friend of mine. She was a few years older than me and he was in my grade. She's on facebook, and he's not... so I've been asking about him, but still no word. Perhaps she will tell me soon. I'll go look on her page for news. I'm hoping it's not bad... as the rain and yucky dogs would suggest.
And why was I yelling at my son? Yes, he often does lolly-gag and it's irritating, but not "rage" worthy. Perhaps it's just my anger at kids at camp surrounding my son. I got a letter from him yesterday talking about some bullies at camp. It made me mad. Socks (with his name on them in sharpie) make me think of camp... which is what he was putting on in the dream.

Another Potty Dream, and Trying on Clothes again.

When I was driving home last night I had a thought. I never dream about romance. I never dream about my husband or any mystery man in a romantic way. (Sure I have sex dream, but not romantic ones.) I was thinking about fairy tales and what we think of as "dreams".  I wondered how many people actually dream those type of dreams... or if that is limited to 'day dreams'.  ???

Anyway, no exception to the rule I had two completely non-romantic dreams last night.

The first centered around poop. (I think it came from our talk last night... trying to unload crap in our thinking.)

In the dream I was sitting around with a group of women (just like I really was last night) and we were in a restaurant that hadn't opened yet. It was a large ball room and the tables and chairs were not set up yet. I sat on a barrel that looked like a red trashcan/stool. Other people had different stools and chairs. (The chair I sat on last night was red too.) We were talking, and I began to poo. No one knew I was, and my butt covered the opening of the trashcan perfectly, so no smell was escaping. (Gross, I know). 

Anyway, a lady came in and said we had to leave cause they were going to open the restaurant. Guys came in and started setting up tables and a dinner party filed in. I was terrified over what to do with my poop. I held the trashcan to my butt as I stood up and walked out of the room.

The scene changed and I went directly into a men's locker room. There were athletes changing, and I walked right past them into a bathroom stall where I dumped the poop. I realized I had to go more, but didn't want to go in the men's room. I walked around to at least four different bathrooms looking for a place to go. The ones in the men's locker room had names like "armpit", and other names that made you think of stink.  I found my way to the ladies side and looked in their bathrooms. I finally settled on one that reminded me of an old dream I had in an Indian bath house type setting (if those exist). I walked up to one that was in a gazebo and two friends were close by. I sat down and listened to them talk. Each one had a story of a move, or something falling through.  My friend Kelly (from years ago) was saying she wasn't going to be able to move to Hawaii... along with other things.

That was the end of that one.

The second dream took place in what was suppose to be Roy and Gracia's house (the house I lived in during my freshman year of college when I was pregnant with my daughter.) Gracia was away, or in another room and I was all alone watching a movie. There were snacks set out for me and a giant glass vase on the table.  The vase fell (didn't break) and spilled potpourri all over the floor. I was about to clean it up when Gracia came out. I don't remember what she said, but she was upset with me and I walked away to my room where my mom was waiting for me to try on some clothes.  (Last night my friend Rebecca gave me some hand-me-down pants to try on). In the dream I was trying on what Rebecca had given me, but they were skirts not pants. They were all long thin dirndl skirts. I tried on the red one. Then I tried on one that had a long high waist  up to my boobs. It was white and had a layer of lace over top. The skirt portion was long and thin again, and I was surprised that it looked good on me. My mom was just standing by and handing things too me, and puffing my blouse out the top.

That was the extent of the dream.

At our group last night we talked about parts of ourselves we'd like to overcome, things that we're insecure about and what we could do about those things. My dream from last night was brought up... the one about the bustier. I find it interesting that in last night's dream, I am again trying on lace... with my mom... and this time it fit. 

The significance of Gracia goes back to the root of my over eating. That was when I got fat for the first time. "You were pregnant", you may say... Yes, but they ate out at nearly every meal (which I was not use to), and I gained FAR more than what you are suppose to while pregnant. It was a VERY low time for me, away from family and going through adoption counseling against my will. Eating became a very acceptable way of dealing with my pain. I had never really thought of their house as being the birth place of that issue in my life... but it certainly was.

I think the giant glass vase speaks of the frailty of beauty. My vase did not break, but there in that house, it was knocked over, and I never got to clean it up.

On tour, and Babies in the UK

Yes, It's been a while. Things at home were not conducive to dream journaling... and now that time has past the only dream I remember from the past few weeks is one about my Nanny (Mom's mom) reprimanding me for being topless.

Last night, however, I said a prayer before bed to ask God what He wanted me to do about my dream journaling... If He was going to talk to me that way any time soon, or if I should just let it go for now.

Well.. I had a night jammed packed with dreams, so I'm taking it as a, "No, I'm not done with that."

The first dream I am fairly sure was just an alert.

It was simply me talking to my son about something he was doing, and I kept saying, "It's too late." "It's too late, you can't do that now." "It's too late." I awoke from the dream to pee at 2:30. I could hear voices in his room. (He's having a sleep over). I knew immediately I needed to go in there and tell them it was too late, they needed to go to bed. So I did.

I went back to sleep and had a dream where I was on a tour with a big group in an open air jeep/bus. Somehow I got stuck on the towing hitch with my legs under the jeep and holding on to the handle in the back. I think I had just been sitting there while we were stopped somewhere, and then the driver took off, and I was still there.

My mom was on the jeep and she alerted the driver of my position, but he just yelled back if I'd be alright til the next stop.  I said OK, and off we drove. At one point I remember mentioning that it was like water skiing... but not in a good way.  The town that we were traveling through seemed a lot like the Long Beach/Naples area. But when we finally stopped it was in an old western town with dust roads etc.  I got off and went inside an adobe low ceiling-ed building with my mom and my sister. There were multiple small rooms at different levels, only a step up or down from the next. In the rooms were old artifacts and antique treasures. I found an old bustier, and took it into a small bedroom (now very old west style, wood) to try it on. My mom and my sister came with me. The bustier was too small in the boob area, but I kept telling my mom that when I lost weight it would fit, so I was going to get it anyway. 

A voice came over a loud speaker saying it was time to make our way back to the bus. The shop would do all final purchases now. I took off the bustier and had it along with something else lacey in my hands debating on whether or not to get them both.  A woman dressed like an animal, in a brown furry suit, snuck out from behind a chest in the bedroom and crept up to us. It was a little creepy, cause we then knew that she had been in there the whole time. When she got to us (still squatting like an animal) she started reaching with her exaggerated fingers, grabbing at the items in my hand. After a minute she started talking and saying, "You'll have to put them back... you don't have time... it's time to go." Her tone got more frantic til the end of the dream when she was saying, "Just drop them and go.... go."  At that moment a friend from the dressing room/bedroom next door came in and told me to mention her room lady as the sales person for my purchases. She explained that she liked her lady, and that they worked on commission. I got a quick image of her lady in my head as I walked out of my room to go to the cashier.

Looking back on the dream it seems very strange that the animal lady didn't want me to buy things if they worked on commission. So what was that? What was any of it? It's my first "tour" dream since the month we got back from our Israel tour. It's quite a different picture from other dreams where I'm driving, or even being in the seating area. I was being dragged behind... though not actually on the ground. And why my mom and sister? Or the bustier? 

The next dream I had last night woke me up at 5:30 with a gag reflex.

The dream did not involve me at all, I was just being shown an area and it's problems. The place was in the UK.  Conditions were terrible. Riots had left the city looking like a ghost town. Then my attention was directed at one man. He was an older black man, and he started to describe his situation. His kids had left him in charge of his grand kids, and the number of children he was watching just kept multiplying. (I don't think they were ALL family, but maybe.) There were all ages of children, but towards the end there were just more and more newborn babies. They were being born out of his (or my, or ???) mouth. I felt a gag reflex every time a baby came out. They were all in the fetal position and all had brown skin. I woke up and even heard myself gag.

I'd say that the scene looked very doomsday-ish but at the same time there were just more and more babies. Perhaps the babies were spiritual babies. hmmmm.

Cleaning Gloves and Spiritual Warfare

I am loving the breathe right strips! This is my fourth night of wearing them, and I hardly wake up at all during the night. (Somewhat due to that, I've had a harder time remembering dreams.)

Last night's was unforgettable though.

It woke me up around 5 something. (I went straight back to sleep of course.)

I was cleaning a kitchen with my mom. The kitchen looked clean, but then she would advise me to look closer and as the camera lens of my eye zoomed in a whole bunch of yuck that surely wasn't there before appeared.

We mainly worked on the area above the stove. We weren't in my "now" house, or any other house I've ever lived in, it was a future house. Once in the dream my mom even made reference to my "old" house (this one), reminding me how dirty above my stove was there as well.

After that area was done we moved over to the sink. There were piles of minty green rubber gloves hanging over the side of the sink. They looked a bit like medical gloves, but were thick like dish washing gloves, but without the griping textured palms. My mom had on a pair. I also had on a pair of gloves but mine were coral in color and were truly dish washing gloves with the grips and all.

A couple of military men came in the room from the right and stood on the opposite side of the counter island. I started taking off my gloves and they called for the "others" to come and hear some bad news.

I knew what was coming. Then one of the officers said, "We have gone to war." 

There was a rumble of talking among the people (about 20 or so strangers). Basically, the soldiers had announced that World War III had started.

I asked the officer, "Can I say something?"  he motioned for me to go ahead.

"The Bible tells us all about this. We are in what it says are the 'Last Days'..." As I looked around the room a hand full of faces were turning demonic. I searched over all the faces to see if everyone was turning. The room had all but faded and all I could do was focus on one or two faces at a time. Each time one of them (or both) would morph into something out of "The Firm" (Al Pacino movie from the 90s) (or like the kids from "The Passion"). I finally had a thought to focus on my own face, though I couldn't quite get my true image in my mind, but even the image that I got as I tried to think of myself, turned demonic. As soon as I saw the ash gray color start to surround "my" eyes I felt a cold shiver go down my shoulder (I was sleeping on my belly). I jerked and woke my self up whispering "In the name of Jesus" in a strained breath.

This was the first demonic dream I've had in quite a while. I use to have them fairly often back in 2006-2007 when I was involved in a ministry that encountered some demonic opposition.

Anyway... I know that a kitchen is the heart of the home. I've been calling my mom lately to help me deal with some "home heart" issues. On the back burner my eschatology ministry has been sitting untouched, though I'm still listening to new material daily on different radio shows. 

I'm not sure if the demonic opposition was to my "ministry" specifically, or if the dream was saying that my "heart of the home" problems were demonic opposition, even in order to keep me from my ministry... which seems to make sense to me given how this week has played out.

I know people tell me not to live in denial and to work through our family issues; that other stuff can wait... but isn't that just like Satan to hit us in a spot that he knows will take our mind off of what we are called to do?

Guidance... Please God, a little guidance here.

Take the Wheel, Clean the Baby, and Dress Up.

I slept great last night... I bought some "breathe right strips"... Thank you to the inventor of those!

My first dream started in a parking lot. I can't remember too much of it, but I remember the main part, which is that my ten year old son was driving the car while my daughter and I rode in it... Me in the back seat. At one point he turned and was on the freeway facing on coming traffic. I tried to talk him through turning back around, but some cars started coming and he froze. When the next opportunity appeared I jumped over the center console and took over driving.

(I think this is as plain as it sounds... I'm letting a ten year old drive me around... I need to stop!)

My second dream was about a baby. The baby was a girl, maybe 4 months old. My mom and I (and I think my daughter) were all taking care of her. She looked a lot like my sister's daughter with curly brown hair, and a button nose and big eyes. She had on a red frilly dress. She wasn't mine, but I was helping. I took her to the bathroom to change her diaper. I was holding her by the belly and running water over her butt, wiping her clean. Then as I was drying her off I got angry and was being intentionally rough with her. I wasn't outright shaking her, but I was jerking her around and had a mean look on my face. I was frustrated with the situation... which had something to do with the baby.

(This one, I'm not positive, but I think has something to do with my daughter's trouble. I think the baby represents my daughter's "fruit" so-to-speak. I'm trying to help clean it up, but it's frustrating, and mainly I just wanna hurt the little 'red dress wearing' thing. )

My third dream was a good one, thank God. I was with my sister and we were kids. The look we had going was based on a favorite picture from my childhood. (In the picture we were at my Grandma's house and we had on fancy dresses and some of her makeup.) In the dream we had choices of piles of frilly dresses and skirts and boas to dress-up in. We had our hair curled and mine was in pig tails (as was often the case growing up). We had lip gloss on too. We were dressing up and dancing around enjoying being little girls. It was a very enjoyable dream!

(I think this one is a flipped coin from the MANY clothes trying on/sister dreams I've had in the past few months. In all the past dreams I've been a teen or an adult and the clothes rarely fit, and it's rarely 'even' between us and rarely fun. This one, being free and innocent, and just being ourselves, we had a great time. All the clothes fit, and we enjoyed each others company.)

Awkward

My first dream:
I was with my mom and dad. We were at a mall because I wanted to go shopping. We had been walking for a very long time through halls with shops along the sides behind windows and doors. (It reminded me of Las Vegas when you have to go through a long hallway of shops from the parking garage to the main casino area.) The building we were in was old though; it was brick, and looked like a museum. After walking and still not shopping for a very long time, I actually said, "This mall is more like a museum." It was about at that point that we 'got some where'. My mom, in answer to my question, said, "Well let's go down this way." We started down some stairs that led to a Marie Calendars, but the stairs soon became a ladder. There were rungs every few feet, but the main handle on the sides was only every 6 feet. For some reason I wasn't using any of the middle rungs, only one every 6 feet that lined up with the handle. I was dropping, only holding the sides for the entire length of my body each time. My parents were coming down the ladder rung by rung, but face first... like they were crawling "spidey-style" down towards me.  I complained about the ladder. Almost directly after the complaint (and my mind thinking about what I was doing, and how I could do it differently) we were at the bottom. Instead of going through the restaurant, or sitting down, we went just to the right of the ladder where there was a bed. My mom lay on the bed on the right side, and I lay on my belly with my head and arms dangling off the end on the left side. Again, I stopped and realized what I was doing, and repositioned myself. The bed was very lumpy and I said it was better before. My mom thought that maybe I just needed less noise to be able to sleep, so I went to turn off the TV (no longer in the restaurant atmosphere). When I got to the TV I noticed that it had been recording every show for the past like 6 or so hours. I took some time to try to delete each show. (Probably more from my ipod frustration the other day... cause now I have so many unwanted songs to delete.)  The dream ended in frustration.


My next dream was far weirder.

I was riding the back seat of an open-air jeep type vehicle with four guys in the front and two more in the back with me. They almost all had guns (very skinny and short ones of varying colors, which they talked about,) and we were driving through a neighborhood to do a drive-by shooting. They weren't aiming for people, but they wanted to scare the residents. They were all very "hard" looking, and talked in a way that said "gang" to me. We went around this neighborhood like three times, each time I faced inward and didn't look at what they were shooting at off the left side. (I was in the far left of the back seat.) When they were satisfied with their shooting we headed for the leaders house. As we approached the house a small squirrelish animal (without a tail) got on my leg and tried to hump it. I grabbed him to remove him but he just grabbed on to my arm and did the same. I told the guy in the back seat about it and he said, "Just let him do his thing." At this the squirrel bit me and latched on again to my leg. I shook him off as we exited the car at the leader’s house. Once we were in I looked down at the clothes I was wearing. I was dressed like a streetwalker, and shortly after, treated like one. At this point in the dream, unlike in the car, I was playing the role. I smacked my gum, I spoke 'gangsta' and used my body (which was rather slim in the dream) to entertain. At one point there was poop on the floor and I had to clean it up before anyone saw. I knew my place in the gang; I was basically dirt.

A large screen came down from the ceiling and they began to play music videos. The walls of the house went away and the area became huge with three different levels for watching a concert. It wasn't like a stadium, but there were a few seats scattered around and outdoor heaters here and there. A band came to the screen/stage and started to set up. I started to make my way as far away from the gang as I could, I ran into my husband on the top level near a heater and stood with him. The youth pastor from our church, Josh, was there and was announcing this as a "Tribes" event. (That's the name of the youth's Wednesday night service.) I looked around and saw Tribes posters. The gang members and a whole bunch of other people scattered around the place.

Then I woke up.

Fire Frustration

Yesterday I went to see "How To Train Your Dragon" with my son; it was a very good movie. 

It showed up in the atmosphere of my dream...  I even threw in one of the previews... a new animated owl movie.

In my dream I was making a fire. The fire was in an old looking fireplace meant for cooking, like something you'd see in the movie last night. I was going to put a pot over it  to cook a recipe I wanted. I also had another pot in the kitchen (old timey as well). The fire roared and puffed with thick black smoke. It was raging and I was thinking it was burning the wood too quickly. I started to cry, "Mom!... Mom!"  I called... crying for my mom to come help me. I was asking her how to do it. I was asking for the recipe, and how to tame the fire. I was balling, crying out for her to come help. The fire was dying quickly. It was down to coals and I hadn't even gotten the pot over it. I was crying and frustrated that I would not get my dish cooked. Finally I walked away from the fire and over to my mom, begging for her help. She commented on my whiny attitude and said she wouldn't help me if that's how I was going to act. I walked away to look for the recipe book myself. I walked past the fire and the pot in the kitchen to the outside (it was the house I had lived in when I was 17). I walked over to an old chest in a tent. (The scene was very similar to the town in the movie last night.) I was looking for the book "Owl at Home" (it's a children's book that I have from when my kids were little. There is a chapter in it on tear soup.) In my dream the recipe I was looking for was a saffron chicken and in the kitchen I was doing potatoes. I searched for the book and then thought, "wait, I know how to make that." I thought through the steps and started walking back to the fire wondering if it would still be hot.

The End

Do you ever have times when you get fired up about something but you don't know what to do with your passion. You have an idea, but you don't think you have what it takes to complete your idea, or to do it well? Your fire is burning fast and while you're calling frantically for help, thinking that you are incapable... it dies down.

I feel like that's what has happened to me over and over again with my projects. I get all fired up, I know what I want to do, (sometimes I feel capable, and sometimes I feel inadequate.) I especially feel this in my 'health' issues. I pray for help, frantically, not even imagining that I can do it myself. 

In other projects like my art, I often tell myself that if I just didn't have kids around to distract my focus that I would get it all done. I know that's not true, cause even while they are at school I get sidetracked with other friends and other non-project things. I have to think, though, that this is a relational life, I can't give up relationships to do projects. So my internal struggle is over which is "important" today. What should I be doing? My projects... and which one? Or helping a friend? Or just being with a friend? 

Please God, order my time, and help my fire not to fade while I'm floundering.