"Too Much Blood Under The Water"

I have one painting done for my show in August, and many more to go.
I had a dream last night that is begging to be painted... and so it shall be.

I had a great time at church this morning. One of my favorite speakers came and he always lights a fire under my butt. He asked us to close our eyes and think of the biggest thing God could accomplish in you this year...a miracle... a goal. I had a big thought, it did not involve art, but just a message that I want to get out there. Instantly after the prayer was over my dream from last night flooded in my mind with a piece of the puzzle of the message I long to deliver. I had not even thought of using the dream painting show as a way to get the message out there... but sure enough, my dream last night, though very personal, fit right into the message.
The dream involved me and my BF from college, Ramin. He is Iranian, a Muslim by birth. I have tried calling him, writing him, etc. for two years now with no response. In my dream on a bridge, I asked him why he wouldn't hang out with me anymore, and he said, "there's too much blood under the water". I hugged him tightly and told him I loved him anyway.
There was more to the dream... like my mom walking near Ramin, but also unable to speak to him before I went to talk with him. Me sitting with my friends Vanessa and Michelle at a restaurant while my mom told me to go talk to Ramin. And before all of that me on a tram with my friend Rachel. But the only words I remember and the most profound part of the dream was on the bridge, so that is what I'll paint.

My painting will be Ramin and I on a bridge, fantasy style with a layer of water, and then blood under the water... with symbolism of Iran/Islam, and Israel/Judaism + Christianity in the blood. It'll be powerful I think. It's far bigger than Ramin not talking to me. It's the entire Middle-east conflict pictured in our interaction.
Makes me teary.

Mice in the Kitchen, Forgotten Son, and Stuck Car.

It's been a while, I know.
My excuse (though not a good one) is that it's summer, and I have been sleeping in. I wake up so late that I don't feel like I have any time to spend typing.

For the past two nights, however, my dreams have been bad and pointed, so I thought I'd take a minute to write them down since I woke up a little early this morning.

Sunday night I had a dream that there were mice in my grandmother's kitchen. As you may remember I consider my grandmother the source of my family's spiritual legacy. When I dream of her house it is always a mansion, and typically very full. Sunday night's dream was no exception. The house was open and grand, with room for hundreds of people. I had been wandering around the first floor of the house, and came into the kitchen. There I found my dog nosing at the cabinets. I looked closer and he was killing a mouse. The mouse had on clothes (like Stuart Little). As I stood there, another mouse appeared and then another. All were dressed, but unwelcome just the same. I killed a few, and my husband killed a few. We were squishing them, halving them... whatever we could do to kill them.
As you know, the kitchen is the heart of the home, and mice are typically considered pests. I have been praying for my grandmother ever since as she has battled cancer and other ailments in the past, and her health is not the greatest even now. I can't think of any other meaning than disease in her "heart", (whether it be literal, or something like worry).

Last night's dreams were disturbing for other reasons.
In the first, I left my son alone in a crowded place, and in the second I could not get to my car.

The first dream began with my son and I walking through a flea market type environment. He was picking up all kinds of things that he wanted... mostly sweet treats, like popsicles. I showed him an area of gallons of ice cream and we talked about getting one even though we are both on a diet. (The diet was talked about repeatedly in the dream.) After we had gotten all the things he wanted I told him I would meet him back at the car and we would drive "home". I went out a back way through a warehouse guided by a worker who was hitting on me. I had four pen caps in my hand and then my back pocket. (Don't know what that was about.) When I got to the car I forgot to wait for my son. I instead drove all the way to the hotel/cabin, where my husband and daughter were already there and asleep. I went to bed, and fell asleep too. When I rolled over a little while later it dawned on me that I had forgotten my son. I panicked, and stumbled to the car still half asleep. I thought about the fact that I was too sleepy to drive. Then I thought about my phone battery. I looked down to see multiple missed calls from my son and even a very sad picture he had taken of himself. I also saw that my battery was in the red zone. I panicked more. Oh no! How am I going to get a hold of him? How is he going to call me? I ran back into the cabin to get my husband's phone, all the while thinking "what if my son's battery is almost dead?" I woke myself up with all the panic.

I went back to sleep after a quick pee brake. The next dream was better, but still bad.
I was with my two best friends from high school; we had been at some event and were now walking back to my car. We got to the parking garage and could not find my car. Then we found a hole in the back of the car garage down to another level of cars. I could see my car on the lower level. The cars were crammed together like sardines with absolutely no room to drive them out. There wasn't even a ramp to get them out of the hole. I jumped down the hole onto the hood of another car and walked around on car hoods to see if I could figure out something. Realizing that this was a towing company I deducted that the cars had been lowered down with a crane. So my friends and I went to find the owner. I found a worker sitting in a shack out in a dusty yard, feet up, talking on the phone. I asked if he could help me. He was very rude and denied me help. He mentioned the owner, pointed him out, and said he was busy too. No one would be able to help us. It was extremely frustrating. The dream ended in frustration after minutes of trying to get the owner's attention.

Meanings? Well, I think that the diet talk and the fact that all of our purchases were food items not on our diet, speaks to what the dream with my son was about. I have nearly reached my goal weight and my days of dieting will soon be over... or so I hope. (Even the worker hitting on me speaks of where I'm at in my weight.) My son is just now starting his weight loss journey (this time around). I think that the dream is reminding me not to leave him behind. Not to go back and "sleep" with my skinny daughter and husband. The world offers many temptations that I can't just say, "that's not on our diet, but just this once we could get it"; (which are the kinds of things I was saying in the dream).

Personal cars in dreams typically speak about your personal life. I don't particularly like the idea of my life stuck underground without having the ways and means of getting it out myself. I do like that my best friends are with me the whole time. I really don't have other thoughts about the meaning of that dream.

A Retreat, a Reunion, and an Animal Cruelty Documentary

The first dream of the night was about a women's retreat. I was there with tons of other church women I know. (I most likely dreamed of this because I was explaining to my sister last night how I met Kookye... which was at retreat.) In the dream we were staying up late (as usual) but in a totally new place. The cabins were like another camp dream I've had before that reminded me of a cruise.
There was a long line of sinks in the bathroom and bunk beds lining the walls of our rooms. I was the person in the group who was determined to stay up til morning. We had been running around goofing off outside and I had to go inside to pee. I found out I was on my period (which actually happened this morning), then I came out of the bathroom to a room of sleepy ladies about to go to bed. The clock said 3:00, and I said, "come on, let's go swimming!"
I went outside to some familiar pools (ones I dreamed of a while back in a dream about my ex-father-in-law and weight loss.) There was a normal pool and a hot tub, both very large. I jumped in the hot tub and thought it might make everyone sleepier, so I got in the cold one. I looked around and saw that no one joined me.

The dream switched and it was day time and I was in the pool at a reunion. (Another dream I've had before with Paul, if you remember. But the pool was still the same large square one from the dream about weight-loss.) This time the pool was again, mostly boys, and one came over to be my protector. He looked similar to some boys I've known in the past but not like one particular person. He was skinny and tall, and white with a pointy nose. He had on a leather jacket and jeans. I swam around with him for a while kind of backed up into his arms. Some other boy was trying to take me from him, but he was defending me. Then I got out. I rationalized with myself that I really didn't know him and he was never my boyfriend. Once I was out of the pool I walked around a stadium type place (again very much like the dream I had a while back that Guy and Mr. Leander were in). I saw lots of people and then out of the corner of my eye I saw Shane (another old boyfriend... my favorite from my youth). He had just arrived from being overseas (which makes sense because he's in the Air Force, and goes overseas fairly often). He still looked just like he did in 1989 with his long hair and glasses. He was wearing a black leather jacket that glistened like it was wet. He disappeared from my view, and I spent a few minutes trying to find him. Finally, I did, and walked over trying to get him to talk to me. I even put my hands around his neck, but he was determined to ignore me. Again, I was left disappointed.


My third dream started like I was watching a documentary, but shortly into the film, it was like I was there and being shown through the farm/factory.
The documentary was about the mistreatment of children and animals in Laos. (This idea popped up out of nowhere... it has no relevance with anything going on it my life... which is one reason it's so disturbing.) There was one small boy that the film followed through the entire process, but very quickly into the film. The mistreatment of the children and the animals went hand in hand, because he was the one forced to treat the animals the way they were treated. It started with him in a pin full of hay and mud like he had just finished taking the animals out, then the scene switched to a line of beheaded, de-footed, and skinned pig looking animals. They were still 'walking' in the line to get slaughtered though. The boy explained how he had to chop of their feet while they were still fluffy, and the imagery went to him bounding rabbits by their feet and chopping off their heads, then their feet, while still tied. The skinning was done by someone else. Even though everything had looked like pigs before, I got the understanding that this was a rabbit farm. The boy cried when he talked about how cute they were before he had to kill them with the machete.
I woke up quite disturbed.

So other than being disappointed after each dream, I don't see much of a relation between them.
Like I said, the Laos dream came out of no where, so I'll be thinking this morning about any possible meaning...

Waking... Whispering

Today is the first day of school for my kids. Needless to say, it's a little like Christmas morning where you don't really get a good night's sleep due to the anticipation.

This morning's dreams were not terribly memorable, but the ones from right around 3:00 were, so I'll share those.

In the first dream I was walking through what appeared to be a movie set. Many of my old "drama geek" friends (of which I used to be) were all posed for a picture. They were dressed in turn-of-the-century clothes and made up like corpses. The girls had Bride of Frankenstein hair-dos, and the guys looked straight out of "Interview with a Vampire". Some people were sitting in fancy chairs, and other people were on the ground or on fallen tree trunks, in lounging positions. Still others were hung to trees by nooses. There was fake blood and fake neck wounds, etc. on various people. It was a very artsy scene... morbid, but beautiful at the same time.

In the second dream I was in my home from Edwards AFB when I was a pre-teen. I was either naked or barely had anything on (I can't remember now), but I was walking from my room into the living room and all of a sudden a thick fog filled the house. It was wet like mist but not as wet as it should've been for that amount of 'cloud'. I sensed something wrong and began to speak to the fog in tongues. As usual, in my "casting out demon" dreams, my voice was only a whisper, and that put a fear in my heart (as it always does)... which in turn wakes me up... I woke up whispering in tongues. My dog, laying beside me, came up to my face to see if I was OK. I went ahead and finished what I was saying, unsure if I needed to deal with something in the room, or if it had just been in my dream. Generally speaking, I figure if it's in my dream... it's in my room.

I got up to pee (which is when I looked at the clock and saw that it was 3:00), then I went back to sleep and had a dream about taking a shower.
Sometimes you need a good shower after yucky stuff has filled your brain. :-)

"Where Is His Head?"

I'm on vacation in Spain right now. I wish I would have been able to use the computer every morning cause the dreams here are crazy, but I haven't had the time.

I'll start with Monday morning's dream, cause I did at least get to write that one down (just not on the blog...yet.)

Monday morning’s dream:
My husband, daughter, son, and I were all late for school and were driving all over an unfamiliar city trying to get there. (Yesterday we got a little lost in the city of Malaga,Spain, and drove around for a while frustrated. This was a lot like that.)
Anyway, I was in a horse drawn carriage driving and my husband was driving an open back vehicle (not sure what). My daughter was sitting beside me and my son was standing on the back of my husband’s vehicle in front of us. My son was holding on to a bar in the back and standing on the bumper area. I was fine with that. My husband, however, was turning around telling him to sit down. I started arguing with him saying to leave him alone. Then the unthinkable happened. My son let go of the bar he had been holding, and fell. I was directly after them, and had no time to stop. The horses barely missed him, as did my wheels. But the truck that was directly behind me ran over his head with its second wheel. By then we had stopped our vehicles, and I was running to see if he was dead. I saw his body, but not his head. (There was no blood.) I was screaming and bawling my eyes out. I frantically lifted (with super human strength) all the tires to look for his head. The tires were transparent and there was no head or splat anywhere. In one of the tires I thought I saw a baby’s head from the top, but it was just something round inside the tire. I was ballistic. Crying, screaming, throwing tires left and right. I was mad at my husband and daughter for not seeming sad. My husband was trying to stay calm and rationalize the event. He even pulled out my son’s baby book and looked through it. He found a poem about a river, and read it. He then asked (because the poem had a word that repeated over and over, sounded like “La”,) if all rivers were the same river because they all had that word. I threw a tire right by his head, and one by my daughter’s head. I thought about who was at fault, but settled on nothing. I was crying so hard that I woke myself up.
(…and I’m certainly glad I did; It was a terrible dream!)

The only other dreams I have ever had about my children dying were ones where they fell, and I dove after them. This is the first one that I could not follow or try to save them; It was horrible. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried that hard in a dream. I have no idea what it means, if anything. We are on vacation, and sleeping on hard uncomfortable beds, so maybe it’s just that. My only other thought is about how I am frustrated that my husband doesn’t seem to care about my son as much as my daughter. By that I don’t really mean less care as much as less time devoted. But the dream only says something about that in part. Why was his head missing? Why did the truck just run over his head? What about the horses? What about the river poem? I have lots of questions. I hope there is nothing to it… nothing at all.

Taunting

Last night's dream involved my husband being shirtless and totally ripped... and giving blood... taunting me that I couldn't give blood.

I'm pretty sure it has to do with him starting back up on his 'diet' and excelling at it, while I flounder with my self-control.