Memories of Tucker

Last night I had a dream of my puppy. It was nice to see him again.
I won't write about the dream though...
Instead of replaying the trauma of his death in my mind, I am going to write out all of my memories of Tucker.

The story of Tucker actually starts 5 or so years ago. My wonderful friend Karen had the very best dog I ever met. I wanted one of her puppies so badly. But years went by and still no puppies. Being the impatient person I am, I went ahead and looked for a different puppy on my own. That's when I found Knuckles. Knuckles will be three this November. But this spring something wonderful happened... Peanut finally had puppies! All the puppies were spoken for, but by some miracle (in my mind) they fell through, and Karen posted on facebook that they were up for adoption. I bolted over the first chance I got!

When I arrived at their house I plopped myself down on the cement in back and Tucker came running. The biggest and toughest of the bunch. He barreled over his brother and sister in play, and I knew, if any one was going to be able to handle Knuckles... this one would be it!

Home I went, with the "bully" of the litter. My heart full of joy and completion.

I took him home to a lonely house. Both kids were gone for the summer (my son to camp, and my daughter at Nana and Papa's.) I was aching for someone to mother. Tucker met all of those needs.

It took Knuckles about a week to call Tucker "brother". There was entertaining jealousy for me to watch all day. Knuckles claimed my lap, sometimes by sitting right on top of Tucker. Tucker always took it like a trooper and simply picked a new spot to lay down.

If you leaned down to give him a kiss, you would most likely end up with a bite on the nose. His other favorite biting destinations were your ears, and the hem of your clothes. Flowing skirts and towels were his favorite.

Tucker was a natural at mousing. Only once did we find one in the back yard, but he caught it like a pro, and I had to pry it out of his clenched teeth. Knuckles loves to chase mice out in the field near by. Tucker was only allowed once... the stickers that matted his hair that day led us to just carry him through the field from then on. But one day a mouse shot out from the field and hid under a car. Knuckles couldn't reach of course, so I let Tucker down and two seconds later he emerged with a tiny tail sticking out of his mouth. I praised him as I pried open his jaws again, this time with much less resistance. He was so proud.

In our early days of walking he made it about half a mile then would flop beneath a tree for a rest. Recently though, he kept up with Knuckles for all of our three mile walk. On every walk he would look back at the house during the first block or two, dragging a little; then on our way home, once he realized that we were close, he would speed up and pull the whole way home. This was always amusing to me cause it's the exact opposite of what Knuckles does. Knuckles is always much more lively in the front end of the walk, then drags once we come within a few blocks of home on the way back.

Tucker was always the last one to bed at night. We'd tuck him in with Savannah, then a few minutes later we'd hear the jingle of his collar making his way to our room. He'd lay on the bathroom floor waiting for me to get out of the shower... then tug at the towel while I dried off.

Tucker's wake up time was 6:30 on the dot. The jingle of his collar would get closer and closer to my side of the bed, then a little whimper would accompany tiny scratches on the bed frame. "Pick me up." I'd lift him on to the bed and he'd bite my ear.

Tucker loved his brother Knuckles! He loved to jump up and bite his jaws, and his ears when he could reach. He learned everything from Knuckles... How to pee like a big boy, how to stay in the front yard and not run away, how to sit for a treat... we were just working on laying down, shaking hands, and kissing on command.
Tucker loved bully sticks, and would often try to trade his small one for Knuckles' big one. Knuckles, being a bit of a push over when it came to Tucker, would give his up and you'd see Tucker dragging a bully stick as long as himself around the yard.

One evening when we were tucking my son in bed, Tucker went under the bed and drug out an old bully stick of Knuckles' that he had hid there. We took it away from him, and he went back under and came out with a bone... He had found Knuckles' stash. (We would have never known.) He found another one (semi) buried in the back yard one day while we were swimming. He was a good little treasure finder.

On a few different occasions we would go back to his birth house for a visit. Knuckles came with us a couple times and Tucker showed him off to his family. It was so cute to see three little mops jumping on a great big "mean" dog.

Knuckles grew up real fast because of Tucker. Tucker took the spot of "puppy" and Knuckles instantly matured himself to responsible big brother. He was very protective (after the jealousy was over). When we wanted Tucker to come and he wasn't coming, Knuckles would get up and come to us... making Tucker follow him. Knuckles would alert us if there was a "mess" we needed to see, or if Tucker had something he wasn't suppose to have. It was so cute. Knuckles would even let Tucker have his food if Tucker asked for it... which led to me putting Knuckles' food up higher.

Tucker loved car rides. (I've been told that he was quite scared of the car before... so it must have been another one of Knuckles' teachings.) Tucker would run to the car door whenever he thought you were leaving. After bible study, when my ladies would leave he would attempt to get in each car as I said good bye. He loved to take the kids to school in the morning, and pick them up in the afternoon.

At the dog park all the owners would comment on his bravery and how much he liked the big dogs.

And that's all I'm going to say about that... cause that just made me cry.

I was talking to my dad this morning and he was talking about how his views on animals in "heaven" had changed. He was reminding me how big the new Jerusalem's measurements are, and saying what if the New Earth is expanded just as the New Jerusalem is, and surely there would be room for all the animals that we have loved. I really like that thought.

Tucker... I miss you... But I hope and pray to see you again on the other side.

Swiss Airport Confusion

Sorry for the gap in posts. I have been dreaming... just some have been about other friends who may not want those dreams shared.

Last night's dream, however, was just about my daughter and me.

We drove to an airport in Switzerland and went inside trying to find our way to the terminal.
The room we went into first was a salon. There were very snooty women working there and no one would help us. Finally I started walking out muttering to myself about the service. One of the ladies then said, "I will help you in a moment." I was already half way out the door, so we just kept on walking.
Once out into the foyer we saw an elevator and for some reason knew that the terminal was up a few floors, so we got in.
There was a Japanese business man in the elevator as well. We pushed a button and the glass elevator went up very quickly and then started to make a circle around a section of the foyer, also very quickly... like a kiddy-ride at a fair.
We realized this was not going to get us anywhere.
Once the elevator 'landed' we got out and went to an information desk area.
As we were waiting for our turn a voice over the loud speaker said, "Flights ____ and _____ for Denver and ______, now boarding.
I didn't know if our flight went through one of those places, so I started to panic and told my daughter to start gathering our things, that we would run over there.
As I looked down to grab our suit cases I saw that there was only one small suitcase and the rest were all art supplies. The art supplies were very unorganized and in small bags or cases. Like one bag full of paints, my tackle box of paints, a stack of sketch pads and paper, plastic grocery bags of brushes and fabric, chalks, etc. It was overwhelming. I tried to pick it all up but was having a very hard time.
I got frustrated with my daughter for not helping.
Then it was our turn at the information counter.
I went up there and the lady started speaking to me in another language. (We were in Switzerland after all.) I then asked her, in Italian, how to get to the 'train station'. Which I said incorrectly... "Dove è la stazione del traino?" But really I should have been saying "Dove è l'aeroporto". Oh well. Anyway, she then said, in English, that she didn't speak Italian. So in an Italian accent, I spoke to her in broken English. (So silly.)

When I started to think that we were going to miss our flight I looked around and noticed that there was a very fancy mall behind the foyer area. I told my daughter that if we stayed we could go shopping. She was not amused. She just wanted to leave. Then she said, "Mom, I don't need any more clothes, and neither do you." I concurred, but said, "Well, maybe we could just get one outfit for fun."

Then I woke up.

This one seems pretty straight forward in many ways.
i had a conversation with my husband last night about feeling overwhelmed and not knowing which art project to do next, which bible study, etc. So that speaks clearly about the disorganized bags etc.
My daughter has often expressed an interest in living in Switzerland. (She's been before, and loved it.) The only overseas place I've ever lived is Italy, which is why I reverted to that language. We are flying to Denver at Thanksgiving, to spend time with family friends in Manitou Springs. (So there's that reference... even as it being a non-final destination.)
I think to elevator and all the confusion is just about my lack of direction. My daughter being involved in all of it is probably just because I spent my evening with her driving her to dance classes. We talked about our passions and goals etc.

Killing Mice, and Changing Clothes

Disturbing dream last night...
I'm not sure if you know the story of the one day in my life when I had to kill a living creature (larger than a bug)... It was a rabbit that my dog and another dog chased down and attacked. Both dogs merely wanting to 'play' with the rabbit; they didn't kill it in their attack; they merely passed it back and forth between each other while it screamed in agony over it's internal injuries. The screaming was unbearable, so I stepped in and grabbed the rabbit (I had gloves on because it was winter), and I strangled it. It was horrible. I hope to NEVER have to kill anything ever again.

Well... last night's dream made me re-live this terrible experience, only this time it was a mouse the size of a cat.

In the dream I was in a complex house with many rooms and a strange lay out. There was a mouse problem in the house. I was with someone who reminded me of one of my parent's friends when I was 8 or so, named Sam. The man in my dream also reminded me of a college teacher I had named Eddie. (It's interesting now that I'm awake to think that, "yes, they are very similar". I would've never thought of those two in the same sentence.) Anyway we found three mice (all three HUGE like rats, but cute like mice) in one room hiding under a hole in the baseboard. I grabbed one, that seemed to grow in my hands to where I actually wondered if I was holding a mouse or a cat. I started to strangle it, then I snapped it's neck, then twisted it, and shook it violently. I could feel a thin cord in it's neck, that felt like a tendon with a pulse. I thought it was dead and we started walking toward the laundry room that led to the garage and the trashcan, but then a pulse came back and I took the mouse (now back to only 5 inches or so) and slammed it's legs on the corner of the wall (again, very violently).
All of the whacking on the wall woke me up. I woke up grimacing and quite disgusted with myself. The vibe in my room was a little eerie, so I said a short prayer and got up to pee. It was 3:10AM.

The dream I woke to at 6:10 was quite a bit nicer. :-)
I had returned from some event and was dressed in a fancy blouse that was very architectural (probably from watching Project Runway last night). I arrived at a dorm/apartment and saw a few old friends/acquaintances. (Robbie and John, aka "Pucket", both "Sk8er punks" back in the day if you want to give them a label.) They wanted to take me out to a bar for some drinks. I asked them if I was OK in what I was wearing, but they said I should change. I went in to change and my friend Ramin was there saying I looked fabulous. :-) My mom was there too and said I looked nice in the blouse. I had already taken off the blouse and was in a bikini top when I went to argue with the boys that the "manager" (speaking of my mom) said that I was fine in what I was wearing.
...and that was as far as I got before I woke up to the sound of my daughter getting ready for school.

My dogs are ready for their walk, and I have no real insight anyway, so I'm leaving today's post right there.

Sister Frida

I'm not sure if last night's dream was about my real sister, or my swell sisters (the art group I'm in).

I was in a small upper apartment that belonged to my "sister". (Oh, and before that there was something about going up in a parking garage.) Inside the apartment I went to the bathroom, which was open to the master bedroom. As I was sitting there my sister came in talking to some people. I didn't mind the other ladies that came in, but then a man came in and I gave my sister the evil eye, like, "get him outta here!"
There was a wall to my right that blocked him and others from seeing me unless they walked all the way into the room and looked back. I sat in fear that someone would come in far enough and do just that. The man was older and very large, and supposedly my sister's dad. I stayed on the toilet and started reading something I found on a table near by. It was a flier about a Frida Kahlo play. I read (or heard her say) that my sister was going to play 'the best Frida ever'! She was determined. As I thought about this, I could see my sister dressed up like Frida, and the whole thing form in my mind. I was going to play the "floozy". In my mind I saw Ann Jillian playing the part... and that's who I was going to try to be like. (ha!)
I got up and went to the closet. (It looked a lot like my mom's closet from when I was a teenager at VAFB.) A little Hispanic girl was there in the room with me, watching me look through the gowns. I saw multiple princess type dresses, but I was looking for something lounge singer-esk. I finally found a white flapper number that was made of mostly feathers. I started to put it on and noticed, out the window and over a balcony, lots of my sister's friends pulling up for a cast party.
Then I woke up.

Even though the person in my dream was clearly my sister, I think it could be about my swell sisters because they have a Frida Kahlo connection (where my sister does not). #2 this wouldn't be the first dream I've had where my real sister represented them. #3, the father in the dream was "her" father but not mine. He was very Diego Rivera-esk too, which would point back to my art group.
I'm not sure what "playing Frida" is about... simply about art... or more about her dramatic life... or about her illness? In my dream there was no art, and I saw more in my mind about the drama than anything.
Ann Jillian was the star of "Jennifer Slept Here" and old sitcom I used to watch when I was a kid. I thought she was so cool! I wanted to be like her. So, it's interesting that I picked her. I don't like the "other woman" in the Frida story. But here I was going to make her as cool as I ever wanted to be; Wearing white and everything. hmmm?
Another thing that stands out to me in the little girl in the room. The night before's dream had a little girl as well... randomly placed... who dropped her shoe in the pool and I fished it out. She was a little black girl... and this dream had a little Mexican girl. Both of them don't seem to be part of the story, but both are watching me as I do something. Interacting in a very subtle way. I wonder if it's not something about how little girls are watching me live my life... and what am I going to do to be a good example to them?
I help in kid's church once a month, and there are lots of little girls in there who look up to me. They grab my arm and snuggle up against it during our sitting down time. Or they tell me all about there pets at home. They pull at my dress and say it's pretty, or at the colored streak in my hair. I wonder (from the night before's dream) if my weight loss journey will effect a little girl... or if (from last night's) my dressing floozy-ish will effect another.
I'm debating on whether or not to get a tattoo... I wonder if that would effect a little girl.
In the book I finished a while ago the author was talking about the next generation of girls and what we will do to influence them. It's a huge calling, one that has been dropped by way too many people.
TV shows and commercials are raising our kids, instilling their values. My son watches the Disney channel a lot (as well as Cartoon network and Nickelodeon), and even aside from the shows that are on, the mini music videos they put between shows teach all the little girls that they need to look sexy and hard to be attractive. The shows teach boys that they are a few steps below girls in their intelligence, and that it's OK for them to be treated as pee-ons, but at the same time, that they get to control how girls look, because it's all about getting them aroused. Ugggg... I could go on about this, but you get the point.

A Refreshing Pool of Skinniness

I'll just jump right in.

Last night's dream started with my friend Alyson crafting on the floor between two pews at a church. I was there with her, watching, then my ex's dad, Steve, came and we walked outside with Cheryl's dog "Bear", through a very green lawn. The lawn had sprinklers going, that we dodged as we made our way to a big pool. There were two in-ground hot tubs right beside the pool. The pool was long and rectangular and had a basketball court that butted up against the back of it. I wanted to go in the hot tub but I knew it would feel better after the main pool, so I went ahead and dove into the pool which had other people in it too. It was very refreshing. Then a little girl who was walking along the edge by the basketball court took off one of her shoes and it dropped into the water. She was going to lean in to get it, but it was sinking fast, so I dove down to get it. The pool was VERY deep; luckily the shoe had only gone half way down. It was a tiny blue "Ked" type sneaker.
When I got up from my dive, my other ex boyfriend, Brent, walked into the scene carrying a bunch of taquitos wrapped in foil with names written on the sides in black sharpie (like they do at Chipotle). I saw "Moo" written on one of them: (My nick name). I said, "Is that for me?" he told me I could have it after he delivered the rest, but I insisted that he give it to me then. I got out to take it. It was a simple deep fried tortilla that had been wrapped around guacamole and some shredded pork. I don't remember eating it, but I walked back inside after that into a room that was set up for a party. I guess the party was over because my friend Dori and her mother were cleaning up all the streamers and such. I started to help them tear things off the ceiling... which amazingly enough, I could reach.
And that was the end.

Meaning...
I hope that seeing Alyson in church means she's going back. The crafting there on the floor would indicate that she was "being herself" at church. That's good too!
Steve coming to take me to a refreshing pool speaks about the diet I was just on. He is the one who gave me the homeopathic hCG drops that helped me loose 20 pounds and feel great about myself for the first time in a long time.
Walking Bear is just a tie in from last night when I went on a walk with Bear.
Brent coming with a taquito for me... Well I had Chipotle last night, so that makes sense... but why Brent? Maybe because when I started my hCG diet his facebook response was "Just eat right and exercise more". (Which is what I'm doing to loose the next 20.) ??? Anyway, the only parts that baffle me are about the shoe and about Dori's party. I'll have to go check when Dori's birthday is... maybe I missed it.

Waking... Whispering

Today is the first day of school for my kids. Needless to say, it's a little like Christmas morning where you don't really get a good night's sleep due to the anticipation.

This morning's dreams were not terribly memorable, but the ones from right around 3:00 were, so I'll share those.

In the first dream I was walking through what appeared to be a movie set. Many of my old "drama geek" friends (of which I used to be) were all posed for a picture. They were dressed in turn-of-the-century clothes and made up like corpses. The girls had Bride of Frankenstein hair-dos, and the guys looked straight out of "Interview with a Vampire". Some people were sitting in fancy chairs, and other people were on the ground or on fallen tree trunks, in lounging positions. Still others were hung to trees by nooses. There was fake blood and fake neck wounds, etc. on various people. It was a very artsy scene... morbid, but beautiful at the same time.

In the second dream I was in my home from Edwards AFB when I was a pre-teen. I was either naked or barely had anything on (I can't remember now), but I was walking from my room into the living room and all of a sudden a thick fog filled the house. It was wet like mist but not as wet as it should've been for that amount of 'cloud'. I sensed something wrong and began to speak to the fog in tongues. As usual, in my "casting out demon" dreams, my voice was only a whisper, and that put a fear in my heart (as it always does)... which in turn wakes me up... I woke up whispering in tongues. My dog, laying beside me, came up to my face to see if I was OK. I went ahead and finished what I was saying, unsure if I needed to deal with something in the room, or if it had just been in my dream. Generally speaking, I figure if it's in my dream... it's in my room.

I got up to pee (which is when I looked at the clock and saw that it was 3:00), then I went back to sleep and had a dream about taking a shower.
Sometimes you need a good shower after yucky stuff has filled your brain. :-)

Kid's Driving

My daughter is finally home, which means someone else is able to have the puppy sleep with them. :-) And that leads to me remembering more dreams!

Last night I had three that I remember.
One was of my friend Barbara's daughter Brooklyn, driving.
Brooklyn is only 11. Barbara and I were sitting in the back seat and her two daughters were in the front. We drove out of a gravel parking lot and on to a busy one lane road going the wrong way. We drove on the shoulder past a steady stream of cars and trucks. The whole time I was panicking and telling Barbara to hop over the seat and take over.
We finally arrived at an apartment building and went inside to their house. (They don't really live in an apartment, but they did here.) We stayed inside and got ready for a day of school. My son was with me and we were ready to go. We looked at the clock and it was past time to leave. Then Barbara reminded me that her daughters were home schooled now (which they are), so they really didn't care if school had started; it didn't matter to them. I was a bit upset, because it did matter to me, and we were going to be late to the first day of school. She suggested that we not go and just show up the next day. I woke up after that.

The second dream involved my son being a toddler again, and peeing in a sink while I held his body up so he could reach. It was an odd dream, but sure enough, I woke up having to pee.

The third dream was at work. I was back at St. John's and was assigned the task of going through a room full of samples. I went through piles and piles of clothes and accessories. The piles were mostly clothes from my Disney job not from St. John's. (Mostly little girl's princess dresses.) I put a huge stack aside for myself, saying that "my nieces will love these." Then a co-worker came by and asked how it was going. I told her she could go through the piles I didn't want. Then she questioned my free-for-all by reminding me that last year we saved everything til the end and had a sample sale with it all. "Oh yeah", I thought. So then I put everything back into categories and went over to a large metal shelf and started sorting through briefcases and other men's accessories.
That was the end of that dream.

Any meanings? Well... Kids ran the show in all three dreams, either directly or in-directly. But is there a lesson... I'm not so sure.
I do need to call Barb; she hasn't called since her daughters have been home from their dad's house.